BEHOLD the premiere of “STAY GLUED TO YOUR TV SET,” the Boston Hassle Telethon! Excitement, nay, ecstatic delight will be yours as you thrill to the fluorescent neon cultural cornucopia presented to you by the likes of Ben Hersey, Id M Theft Able, Sun Rad, Luxardo, LSDV, Mike Simonelli, Casey Crawford, The Trofessor, Coorain Devin, the Firehouse, Neil Horsky, Lankville Daily News, Kevin Driscoll, Comb Man, and just the right amount more. Witness futuristic science experiments, heart-punching poetry, uproarious sketch comedy, informative “presentations” (wink wink) (note: I have no idea what “wink wink” means), elegant demonstrations of complex proofs, live music, music videos, metacognitive “live” performances carried out in a studio then transmitted with slight time delays over video, children’s reading time for the sprogs, dynamic magicians, sad and perhaps poignant pet tricks, controversial puppets, AND SO MUCH MORE in a Jerry Lewis-esque ORGY of flamboyant, stimulating, titillating, and twitterpating performers that would rival Solomon’s court for the breadth and the brilliance of the legerdemain to be displayed before lucky you. So sit that toned and taut, naturally beautiful bubble-butt of yours down in your pleasure palace, watch some quality goddamned television programming, and donate many Americabucks to the Hassle — it’s an ownership stake, really, in the continued cultural excellence the Hassle provides you, the cognoscenti of the Bosto-Cantabridgian milieu.

-Dan Roche